Last week the International Association of Police Chiefs, The Idaho Office of Highway Safety, and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration awarded Coeur D Alene Police Officer Nick Knoll with the prestigious “F the Fourth” award for conducting more pretext stops and illegal car searches than any other officer in the nation. The award is considered one of the most sought after awards in the law enforcement community and is awarded to the officer who “most viciously, violently, and blatantly violates the 4th Amendment rights of their citizens.”

“We couldn’t be more proud of Nick,” said Chief Lee White. “There are many officers in our Department who violate the 4th Amendment rights of Coeur D Alenians, but Officer Knoll has truly gone above beyond, not only in the sheer volume of the violations, but also in the creativity of his execution.”

One of Nick’s partners agreed. “He’s creative all right. Last week he stopped an individual with Washington plates. Since the man had WA plates he knew he must be high on Marijuana. He told the man that his son had been in a terrible accident and had been rushed to Sacred Heart for emergency surgery. He said that his son needed an emergency blood transfusion and only his blood would work. If he’d give him some blood right there, he would rush it to Sacred Heart to save his son’s life. Of course the man did what he said. Bah da bing, bah da boom – we get the blood sample and it’s got THC in it. Off to the slammer he went. It’s shit like this that truly makes Nick a legend.”

When Officer Knoll can’t get a blood sample though, he turns to a precise procedure known as a DRE evaluation. DRE stands for Drug Recognition Expert. This designation requires rigorous training and is the gold standard in law enforcement for catching drivers under the influence of drugs other than alcohol.

“The DRE procedure is very accurate,” explained Knoll’s DRE Instructor. “First you take the broken femur of a 6 month old camel and ask the suspect to sit on it. If the suspect squirms, then he may be under the influence of an intoxicating substance. If he doesn’t squirm then he is definitely under the influence of an intoxicating substance. Next, we take the urine of a one month old rabbit and rub it on the suspects face. If he objects, we arrest him for obstruction of our investigation. If he complies, we know he’s under the influence of an intoxicating substance. Finally, if the suspect is male, we ask him to show us his penis. We take a blood pressure cuff and place it around the male’s phallic structure. If he objects, we arrest him for obstruction. If he doesn’t object, we invite him back to our cruiser for ‘further tests.'”

According to White, the DRE program is one of Coeur d’ Alene’s most successful. “Basically, we have what I call the libtard revenue stream.” White said. “All these idiots in Oregon, Washington, Colorado, and Nevada have legalized a very dangerous drug in order to appease their Obama loving hippie population. We wait for those people to drive into our fine State and make up a reason to stop them. We then do our bullshit DRE test on them – you know just to make the judges happy, and off to jail they go. They’re so anxious to get back to their gay pride parades and socialized medicine that they’ll pay $10K or more to get out of jail. Viola, Daddy gets a new unmarked patrol vehicle and a cowboy hat to go with it.”

The ACLU of Idaho has raised concerns about White and Knoll’s aggressive tactics though. An ACLU spokesman said that the complaints she’s received have been beyond the pale. “One person told me that a CDA Police Officer told her she was being pulled over for being too beautiful. Apparently he said it was causing other motorists to commit distracted driving infractions, and since she was aware of her ‘voluptuous features’ that she was a conspirator in their crime. He then flashed a ‘pussy inspector’ badge at her and asked her if she was familiar with the fornication laws in Idaho.”

Another reported tactic has been leaving nails in the road and then approaching drivers with flat tires on “community care taking” missions. While one Officer helps replace the flat, the other uses a drug dog to circle the vehicle smelling for drugs.

“Like I said, we’re incredibly proud of Nick and his innovative efforts to produce revenue for the Coeur D Alene police department,” said White. “Oh yeah, and to keep people safe.”