It’s been a rough year for North Idaho Law Enforcement. Their image has been tarnished in the media by 6 hour wait times at the Coeur D Alene DMV, killing minorities and the mentally ill, and their failed attempt at a coup in the City of Hayden. That’s why the Idaho State Patrol, Kootenai County Sheriff, and Coeur D Alene Police teamed up to hold “Drunksgiving,” an event where law enforcement spends tax payer dollars to buy Jack Daniels and other hard alcohol in an effort to get the media drunk.

“Drinking in the middle of the day with reporters is a way we give back to our community,” said Idaho State Police Col. Kedrick Willis with a jello shot in his hand. “Some organizations do Toys for Tots. We do this.”

Reporters and media from all over the Northwest attended this special event. Locally, Chance Watson and Devin Weeks of the Hagadone Media Group attended. The Hagadone Media Group is the owner of the Coeur D Alene Press and the Shoshone News Press. Chance downed 4 Jack and Cokes while Devin got toasty with hot buttered rums.

After that, it was down to business – time for North Idaho Law Enforcement to make their pitch to the media. Coeur D Alene Police Officer Nick Knoll started out.

“I know it’s been a tough year for law enforcement, but we’re hoping you in the media can help us with that. As you can see, we’re friendly guys. We get shit faced in the afternoon, just the like the rest of you. But sometimes we’re painted in the press as the bad guys. For instance, when we shot that crazy guy with a knife a couple months back, some of you interviewed the criminal’s family. This type of journalism only serves to humanize very very dangerous felons. Perhaps in the future, you could interview only his victims in order that he can be framed to be as viscous as possible.”

Col. Willis agreed:

“Officer Knoll is absolutely correct. We deal with very dangerous people every day. It’s important that these people are framed as such in the media. At each incident, we put out a press release of the events. These releases are 100% accurate and should be published verbatim by the media. For those of you who already do that, this Buds for you. There are other outlets who choose to do their own investigative reporting. This can be very dangerous for yourself and others. Please leave the investigations to the professionals.”

But law enforcement wasn’t just there to train the media. They were also there to promote their 40 deadliest days of Christmas emphasis patrol.

“The time between Thanksgiving and New Years is called the forty deadliest days of Christmas. Most people assume that it got this name because of the substantial amount of DUI crashes. This is not true. It is actually because this is the time of year when law enforcement has the most interactions with the public. These interactions lead to a higher death rate because, you know, we shoot people.”

Another Deputy agreed,

“Whenever we pull someone over, it’s 8 times more likely that there will be a fatality than if we did not pull that person over. 1 in 1000 times that fatality is an officer. 999 times it’s a citizen. During the 40 days of Christmas we pull a lot of people over. Ergo, a lot of people die. It’s a shame but it’s part of the job.”

The Officers concluded by giving the media two worksheets. One was called “The 9 do’s and dont’s of being media in North Idaho.” The other was called, “Don’t be a statistic. Bow down, stay alive.”

The 9 Do’s and Dont’s of Being Media in North Idaho.

AN IMPORTANT WHITE PAPER BYLAW ENFORCERS

1. Do publish press releases verbatim
2. Do not conduct investigator journalism
3. Do not publish articles about bad law enforcement. Don’t worry, we will investigate them ourselves and make sure we do the right thing every time.
4. Do publish articles that embarrass innocent people, and assume their guilt, before they are given a trial.
5. Do look to our Facebook page for funny anecdotes about why we’re great at our job.
6. Do publish at least 8 positive news articles or segments if an officer is injured. The word hero should be used no less than 12 times.
7. Do not call people suspected of a crime “man, woman, etc.” Do call them “suspect, criminal, felon, disgrace to society, etc.”
8. In the case of an officer involved shooting, do publish at least 5 articles defaming the suspect and 5 articles pointing to the heroism and credentials of the officers.
9. Do not publish fake news. Real news only comes in the form of press releases from law enforcement.

Don’t be a statistic. Bow down, stay alive.

AN IMPORTANT WHITE PAPER BY LAW ENFORCERS

1. If you are pulled over, you must have done something wrong, even if you think you didn’t.
2. Call all Officers Sir or Ma’am. They have very fragile egos.
3. Do not record the incident. We may need to lie about the events later on.
4. Although you have many constitutional protections, if you exercise them we will hurt or kill you. Constitutional protections aren’t very useful to a dead person.
5. No matter how sober you appear, we will assume your are high or drunk. The more you tell us you’re not high or drunk, the less we will believe you.
6. We target poor and black people by pulling over cars that play rap music and bump up and down. Sorry, Not sorry.
7. Put a K27 bumper sticker on your car. You will be less likely to get pulled over.
8. Regardless of your guilt or innocence, we mostly make decisions based on how much you kiss our ass. Once again, we have very fragile egos.
9. Since most of us are high school football players and college drop outs, talking about how the Vikings or the Timberwolves did in last weeks game is a good way to get on our good side.
10. Although bribes are technically illegal, we enforce the law, so……

With worksheets in hand, and a 1/2 dozen jack and cokes in our blood streams, it was time to head back to work. We hopped in our pickup trucks and headed back to our respective media outlets. Thanks law enforcement for a very informative and fun event.