Bonner County Prosecutor Louis Marshall has declined to file charges against the 8 white men who shot a mixed race man at the Coeur D Alene 4th of July fireworks show. Marshall, at the request of Barry McHugh and Idaho State Police conducted an independent investigation and found that the 8 white men “conducted themselves in accordance with the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850” in which white men are instructed to forcibly return runaway slaves to their Southern white masters.

According to Marshall, the white men shot Tyler Rambo as he was attempting to run North toward freedom. “These eight men had the proper sworn affidavit to capture Rambo and return him to his white master. When Rambo refused to relinquish his freedom, the 8 white men had no choice but to open fire. Given this, the following men will not be charged with a crime:”

• Justin Bangs
• Jacob Brazle
• Kyle Cannon
• Matthew Edwards
• Ryan Germain
• Nathan Herbig
• Jacob Proctor
• Casey Ziegler

Marshall went on to describe how these 8 men were “Just doing their job enforcing a legitimate law enacted by the people.”

These men could see something was amiss when a mixed race man was running in a Coeur D’Alene City Park. They quickly assessed the situation and rightfully assumed that this man was a runaway slave. Since the man is only 1/2 black, and the Constitution only considers black people 3/5ths of a person, they quickly calculated that Mr. Rambo was 3/10th’s slave. Based on this, they made a quick judgement call to open fire on the lower 3/10ths of his body – what they describe as ‘the black part.’

At the press conferences, reporters stared at one another puzzled by Prosecutor Marshall’s logic. One reporter, questioned whether Mr. Marshall was familiar with the Emancipation Proclamation and the 14th Amendment to the Constitution which made the Runaway Slave laws obsolete. “I am a Constitutional Originalist” Marshall replied, “Any laws or amendments passed after 1861 are not valid in my book because America just got stupid after that.”

Another reporter questioned Marshall about whether he thought slavery was still happening in Idaho. “We believe slavery is an integral part of our economy and Idaho culture. Here in Idaho, Ben Wolfinger and Daryl Wheeler are some of the most kind and compassionate Masters I’ve ever met. They treat their blacks very well. Yes, they are kept in cages so they don’t run away, but during they day they are spinning the wheels of the Idaho economy. This includes making “famous potato” license plates and picking up trash on the side of the road. If slaves don’t do this type of work, who will?”

“Thank you again for coming out to our press conference today.” Marshall concluded. “I would like to thank the hard working white men of Coeur d Alene who have brought Mr. Rambo back where he belongs – under the watchful eye of his master, Ben Wolfinger. Some people might think I’m racist because I believe in slavery, but as you can see I have a black dog. I love black things. I think they just have their place.”

Some people might think I’m racist because I believe in slavery, but as you can see I have a black dog. I love black things. I think they just have their place.