In the upcoming November election, the people of the Hayden, Idaho will be deciding if they’d like to increase their property taxes by 21% in exchange for 4 additional Kootenai County Sheriff’s Deputies. Despite a decrease in crime, Sheriff Ben Wolfinger has insisted that the increase in deputies is needed to support the growth that is expected in the City of Hayden. “We are expecting a lot of old white people to move to the area in the coming years. These people tend to feel safer with additional white people with guns protecting them,” Wolfinger told the Hayden City Council.

Some from the City Council aren’t sure that Wolfinger has the ability to to staff the positions if they’re approved. One council member cited the Shopko fiasco in which a large group of Kootenai County Deputies left for higher paying jobs at the now defunct Shopko. Wolfinger says he’s put that chapter of the department behind him and has a full proof plan to staff the positions. “I’ve developed a 3 part plan for the new force in Hayden. I call it the ‘Triple R’ Plan. The reason that I call it the Triple R plan is that I have a three point plan and each part of the plan starts with the letter R. Clever, huh?”

Here comes the Robits

“The first part of my plan is to bring in a robit to fill a position,” Wolfinger said, sending us a link to a robot in California already doing the same thing:

“Now the difference with the robit we’re going to staff in Hayden is that it will wear a cowboy hat so people respect it. Our studies have shown that Idahoans are much less likely to kick a robit in a cowboy hat than a robit without a cowboy hat.”

When asked what the robot would do in the snow, Wolfinger wasn’t sure, “Well, I hadn’t thought of that. It was summer when I came up with this idea and I don’t think that far ahead. Maybe we’d partner him with a K9 so the dog could dig the snow out in front of him before his robit wheels got there. Or maybe we could get him robit 4 wheel drive. I don’t know. I think there’s lots of options.”

“A name? Well, I think I’d name him Daniel Soumas, ya know, just for shits and giigles. Then I could throw things at the robit and say things like ‘how does that feel Daniel Soumas.’ It will be a riot.”

Rapists to Rad People

“This part of the plan is the one I’m most excited about,” said Wolfinger. “In combination with bringing the Criminal Reentry Center to Hayden we’re developing a new program called ‘Convicts to Cops.’ Under this program, we’re going to rehabilitate low level offenders like rapists and domestic violence offenders and make them into Hayden cops. What we’ve found is that these types of criminals already share a lot of the same personality and behavior traits of our current officers, so by tweaking those traits just a bit they can be excellent cops. For instance, take a man who constantly beats his wife. If we can retrain him to use that strength to beat citizens, it’s a win win for everyone.”

For instance, take a man who constantly beats his wife. If we can retrain him to use that strength to beat citizens, it’s a win win for everyone.

Wolfinger went on to report that criminals that become cops are 20 times less likely to re-offend. “This is the beauty of this program. Not only are we staffing the City of Hayden with top notch law enforcement personnel, we’re decreasing our prison population too. As we all know, cops don’t commit crimes, so by making criminals into cops, we are preventing would be criminals from re-offending. As Michael Scott would put it, this is a ‘win, win, win.'”

Racists

“Our third strategy for staffing the Hayden police force is to just get back to our white roots.” said Wolfinger. “I’ve been in talks with Ozzie over in Spokane and he’s going to let me hire Jeff Thurman to the force. Jeff is the ideal officer for Hayden. He’s white, he’s got a K9 that will maul your face off, and he really gets my sense of humor. Yes, he throws the N word around here and there, but it’s all in good fun.”

Wolfinger then went on to tell a joke about a jew, a pollack, and a black man that walked into a bar. It was not suitable for publication.

In addition to recruiting Jeff Thurman from the Spokane County Sheriff’s Department, Wolfinger is also hoping to recruit Dan Hargraves from the Pullman Police Department. “Dan is really someone who reflects my values of second chances.” Wolfinger said. “By allowing the WSU student to do some favors instead of going to jail, he gave her a second chance. Now I’m ready to give him a second chance with his career. The young women of Hayden will be happy we did.”

“A force you’ll be proud of…”

Wolfinger concluded his presentation to the Hayden City Council by letting them know that his Triple R plan will be one the City can be proud of. “Hayden is a proud City who staffs people like Doug Goodman on our force. By staffing ya with the Robits, Rapists, and Racists, we’re going to continue Doug’s legacy of proud police work. 21% Tax increase? I would pay a 100% tax increase for services like this. The best of the best I tell you. I’m counting on your vote in November.”

“I would pay a 100% tax increase for services like this.”