Coeur D Alene Police Chief Lee White released a statement to the press that 8 armed thugs have been removed from the streets of Coeur D Alene:

We are proud to announce that the 8 armed thugs responsible for shooting a brown man in Coeur D Alene City Park are no longer on the streets of Coeur D Alene harassing citizens. These armed people, dressed in costumes, presumably to intimidate their victims, chased, and eventually shot a person of non-white heritage over the 4th of July. In addition, these armed thugs forcefully threw a black man in a cage, without his consent, for not listening to them. This type of gang activity cannot be tolerated in our City. Because of this, these thugs carrying deadly weapons will no longer be walking the streets of Coeur D Alene free to intimidate every citizen they come across. The CDA Police have acted in the will of the people of Coeur d’ Alene, and the great State of Idaho, by chaining these people to a desk.

CDA Spokesman Jared Renau, AKA lets feel up my underage prom date, confirmed the successful removal of the 8 armed terrorists from the streets of Coeur D Alene:

It’s very scary when people are this organized to terrorize such a large group of people on a day that is sacred to our nation. The 4th of July is a time to celebrate liberty and justice. Instead, these 8 armed thugs terrorized minorities in a place where they should feel welcome. It hearkens back to a dark day in Coeur D Alene – A day when armed white men in uniform walked down Sherman Avenue, with symbols of hate, attempting to intimidate the minorities of our great State. This type of terrorism and harassment cannot take place in Coeur D Alene, ID. Thank God for the brave men and women of the Coeur D Alene Police Department and the Idaho State Patrol, who recognized the threat, and removed these men from the street. You simply cannot put 10 bullets into a minority man of our city and get away with it.

Captain John Kempf of the Idaho State Police agrees:

Jared said it perfectly. Murder, or attempted murder, is not tolerated in our State. I say murder or attempted murder because we refuse to release to the media whether Tyler Rambo, the high school child that was shot, is dead or alive. It’s really just policy on our end. We do not want tourists, particularly Usher, nervous to come to our City. After all, if this can happen to a guy named Rambo, whose barely a minority, imagine what could happen to Usher.

Ben Wolfinger also spoke with us from his rocking chair:

There was a shooting over the 4th of July? I hadn’t heard of that. I guess I’m just too close to retirement to give a shit. Oh no. Did I say that out loud again?