Ben Wolfinger doesn’t tolerate a lot of things. He doesn’t tolerate hemp necklaces. He doesn’t tolerate sodomites. And he certainly doesn’t tolerate fat matrons. That’s why Big Ben is starting his war on obesity. And he’s starting right at home by providing exercise bikes to his employees. Well, not all his employees, just those that sit in a chair a lot. Well, not all the ones who sit in a chair a lot, just the dispatchers. Who are these dispatchers you ask? Well, just ask Ben Wolfinger:
….we only had female dispatchers and they were our matrons.
Well, it turns out Ben is a little unhappy with the hourglass shape that some of his matrons have taken on. Even though his name is Big Ben, it aint Sir Mix Alot. And he certainly doesn’t like big butts.
“We really feel like muffin tops are inappropriate for the workplace,” Wolfinger told us in a recent interview. “You know, that fat just spilling out of your blouse while you’re trying to dispatch EMT’s to a fatal accident – it’s kind of a turn off.”
We pressed Wolfinger if this is part of a larger health plan for the Kootenai County Sheriff’s Department. “Not really,” he said, “We just want our matrons, I mean our dispatchers, to look more like Connie Britton from the show 911 on Fox.”
When asked why, Wolfinger responded, “You know, those glasses, and the tight ass. It doesn’t get any better than Connie. Too bad she left that show. Unlike Connie, our dispatchers were starting to get what I call Idaho ass. Just too may Coors Light on the Pontoon if you know what I mean.”
We asked some of the dispatchers what they thought about the program. Most didn’t respond to our request for an interview out of fear of retribution, but one dispatcher named Wanda had this to say, “It’s kind of hard to answer 911 calls while I’m breathing like I just orgasmed. Sometimes the Deputies can’t hear what I’m saying because I’m so winded. I just do what I’m told though. It’s a little awkward that Ben stands behind me the whole time and says ‘That a girl’ but I’m sure Sheriffs do that kind of thing all the time.”
We also talked to a few other male deputies about the new program. They seem to like it. One Deputy had this to say, “You know, I never really got why black guys liked the girls with the fat asses. Maybe it’s because I’m not black, or have never met a black. But Holy Shit, when I see one of our matrons with that fat ass hanging off the bike seat, I’ve died and gone to heaven. I imagine it’s the same way a gay man feels when he sees an asshole. Not that I would know.”
When asked when the program would conclude, Wolfinger gave this written response, “Like everything in this Department it’s done when I say it’s done. I say it’s done when the fatassery has concluded. We just can’t have our ladies answering the phone like that. When men call in to report that a bear is inside their home and that they’ve unloaded a 45 into it’s heart, we need a Kathy Ireland on the other end of the phone, not Mike and Molly.”
Heil Ben Wolfinger! 